aku sedih giler ...

dah lama aku tak rasa down camni nengok keadaan ammar, tak tau le apsal 2-3 ari ni sejak dia masuk balik HDU aku dah tak boleh thn sebak lam ati ni ... sayu tul aku tgk dia. i know he is in pain ... i can see it in his eyes.

night before they transfer him out to normal ward, looks better & alert

actually, ammar dah transfer out from HDU to normal ward on monday morning, but aku noticed during feeding tu dia uncomfortable, kejap2 nangis pastu occasionally dia kejang kaki & tgn cam thn sakit (cam ko ngah sakit perut nak terb#^%k) sampai berpeluh2, pastu mata jadik sembab, kulit lak cam berbelak/berbatik.

bila aku bagitau ngan nurse dia kata sbb ammar menangis ... tgk anak aku pun cam nk tak nk je ... rasa cam nak tempeleng je nurse tu ... aku mak dia, aku tau yg dia nangis sbb thn sakit sampai kejang2 bdn dia dan insiden kejang2 ni baru jadik, sblm ni berkali2 dia keluar msuk wad tak pernah dia kejang sikit pun. sib baik insiden kejang2 tu kejap je ... pastu dia ok, cuma nangis tetap tak berhenti.

his eyes goes puffy

pastu kul 7 mlm, nurse up susu (pakai mesin) immediately dia batuk tak berhenti ... sampaikn waktu berbuka aku telan mana yg dan je sbb dia batuk tak berhenti pastu start kejang then nangis ... aku try pujuk dia lam 5 minit, tapi cam tu gak ...

i dont want to take any risk ... aku wonder gak takkan kot anak aku fitting (sawan).. nak tak nak aku gi panggil nurse ... sian dorang masa tu dorang tgh mkn ye lah kan baru 10 minit berbuka aku dah kacau ... tapi aku respek ngan nurse2 shift petang tu ... mula2 yg jaga bilik ammar dtg tgk pastu check breathing ammar, tak sampai 5 minit nurse2 yg lain dtg tgk ammar ... bila aku explain kat dorang terus dorang take the next action, dorang terus panggil doctor pastu tukar nasal prong ke high flow mask sbb masa tu oksigen dlm badan ammar down to 62% je! air mata aku dah berjurai2 ... tak pernah aku nengok dia sakit camtu, selalu aku tau dia sakit tapi tak nampak ... (yelah ... mana aku nampak paru2 dia kat dlm tu).

kaki & tgn, kejang2 menahan sakit

aku check temperature dia, tiba2 je naik smpai 38.dorang tak byk citer terus tolak ammar gi bilik acute for close monitoring, bila specialist dtg aku rasa lega sgt ... lagi pulak aku tak yah ckp apa2 first glance dia tgk ammar dia terus ckp 'he is in deep pain' (at last!!! somebody knows what is happening to ammar) ... lagi2 lak dia tgk ammar nyer heart rate lebih dari 200 ... that is not a good sign.

heart rate went up to more than 200 walaupun ngan bantuan 10 liter oksigen!!

ngah nangis, menahan sakit

aku tanya that lady doc, 'why is it ammar's body became stiff, the eyes go puffy and the skin mottled also plus the sweating?' being somebody yg mmg dedicated her life to be a doctor senang je dia jawab, 'i'm pretty sure your son is having a very bad reflux, coz all the symptoms are there.' lepas dia check ammar, dia bagitau kat aku yg ammar will be transfered back to HDU .... so, kul 9.30 tu ammar officially jadi warga HDU semula.

i thought everything will be ok, but it doesnt ended there, he still having this kejang2 insiden during feeding & demam on & off, walau pun tak tiap2 kali feeding jadik gitu but still ... aku tak sanggup tgk bila time dia ngah sakit tu.

still demam, nk tdo tapi tak sedap bdn so aku tekapkan ngan kain basah

so yesterday morning, ammar went for a contrast study called gastrogram, ni dah second time dia amik test ni(dorang masuk liquid through feeding tube tu then bila x ray boleh nampak liquid tu bergerak masuk sistem pemakanan dia, aku tau sbb aku pernah tgk dorang buat masa 1st time dulu).

dah lega sket bru bole tido

the result?!?? with flying colours ... no reflux shown during the the test, tube tu pun in a right place so now doc2 suma buntu ... bila aku tanya apa sbb ammar jadik gitu dorang tak leh explain. so far aku dah tanya 2 specialist, "why is it ammar still coughing during feeding, fever still around with no improvement & still having stiff incident?' yg 2 ni failed nk jwb soalan aku ... 2 down i have 3 more, dr hung (cardio), dr asiah (respi) & dato' z (head surgeon) ... hopefully 1 of them will have something for me ... i think they owe me 1 good explanation, bagi aku things happen for a reason esp. human body ... mesti ada yg tak kena, it just that they dont know which or where.

this morning, one of my best friend told me i look so calm ... hmmm... i might look calm, some even told me i dont look tired at all, truth is i am fighting and struggling not to let my emotions control me and trying hard not to let others see that i am actually suffering.. i keep it all to myself but once in a while when i let it loose, i'll cry my heart out!!!

gambo plg latest, sian dia nampak tak sihat sgt2 .. kat dada yg merah2 tu allergic pakai yg tampal2 tu, so dorang tukar yg size kecik sket

aku rasa one of the reason why aku always blog pasal ammar coz in a way i'm letting myself out ... its like a theraphy for me.

but lately for no reason, i feel that i'm losing him ... i know that i have to be positive, but i'm only human ... aku tak boleh sentiasa rasa kuat, sometimes aku rasa aku fragile sgt2 ... aku cuma mintak Allah berikan aku kekuatan & kecekalan hati utk kami, lebih2 lagi aku supaya aku boleh jaga ammar sebaik2nya selagi ada hayat dia... Insyaallah.